Losing Sleep

BY JONATHAN BERGLIND

When I lose sleep

And I’m shaking

I’m in the corner, watching myself lose sleep

Watching myself dry heave

Seeing the mattress soak with sweat and piss

Feeling the solid mass of nothing fill my mouth and leave no room for my tongue

I think

I play devil’s advocate

And believe in God for a moment.

Because that’s what the devil wants us to do.

Believe in a God to blame.

Believe in a God to give us meaning,

Give us explanation

Give us explicit directions

Exactness

Acceptance

Existence

Give us …

Excuses

 

A quote:

“I’m not saying God made it happen, but He let it happen for a reason,

Even though evil was there,

Even though the devil was in that room,

God was there too”

 

I was told that by people with the best intentions, and the least fucking clue

I was told that God loves me

And I understand that much

What I don’t understand,

How His grand plan

How His ultimate control

Allows room for Him to simply “allow” something… anything to happen

I would pray and ask if I could, but I still can’t speak through the nothingness in my mouth

But maybe by “allowing” this to happen, He made it happen

Because He’s God

Allowing and making have to be the same thing

Maybe by “allowing” the bartender to not care

By being friendly to me for years of drinks and laughs

And then turning a blind eye, Charlie, the bartender

By not waking up, or by waking up and not caring

Evil’s roommate

 

By being in the room that night, as I was told

God, coexisting with evil, with the devil in the same space and time

By doing nothing

Bystanding

Charlie, the bartender

Evil’s roommate,

God; Doing nothing

Raped me

God, Himself,

Put his cock in my mouth

I feel God’s nothingness in my mouth

And I can’t get it out

 

The second God does nothing, He dies.

I do not know if there is a God; I’m pretty sure there isn’t

I do not know if there was anything other than evil in that apartment

I do not know if evil’s roommate was stirred by the sounds evil and I made

I do not know if evil loses sleep over what it did

I do not know if the bartender loses sleep over what she did not do

I know nothing, but I hope

I hope God didn’t rape me to let me know He’s there

 

I hope God didn’t rape me

 

I sure do

 

I hope the nightmares stop

I hope I can catch my breath

I hope I stop shaking

I hope I can come back to my body from the corner of the room

I hope I can hope again

As I wonder if evil loses sleep

And as I lose sleep

I hope God does too