A Letter to the Devil


Dear Lucifer,

I know it's been awhile since you and I had contact with each other, but I've been very busy trying to maintain the lie that I'm a good person. You know more than I do that good people don't talk to the devil, so I hope you can forgive me for not writing. On a related topic, I know you receive many letters from those of my subjects who also pretend to be good, so I won't be impatient in waiting for a reply.

Incidentally, I hear you've been busy burying dinosaur bones underground in order to confuse the masses. Is that true? I've known you for a long time,and frankly, I find it very hard to believe that you would make all the effort to do that.

I digress.

I'll get straight to the point: I've devised a new method of torture you can use on your subjects. I think it's guaranteed to bring anyone you use it on eternal suffering in a matter of minutes. I call it "suffering by silence".

Here's how it works: take somebody who, in the land of the living, was not afraid to speak his mind about something he didn't like. Sit him down in a chair inside of a room populated with a bunch of people who disagree with his positions on everything. The catch; sew his mouth shut. Then, keep showing him all the stuff he hated in the land of the living, all of the stuff that makes his blood boil, everything that makes him want to scream and shout.

The torture is this: he can rant and rave all he wants, but nobody will be able to hear him. He'll have to watch idly as the others in the room discuss what they like about the things he can't stand.

I think it's ingenious. There's no better way to torture somebody then by forcing him to keep their opinions to himself. Forget about gluttony and sloth - opinionation and stubbornness are the new sins. Lust? Please. Forcing your opinions onto people is much worse than merely desiring something. And I think you would agree with me that you wouldn't be doing your job as the punisher of sinful men if you didn't punish them for their heinous abuse of the so-called "freedom of speech". And think of the cost efficiency - why spend time and resources building up a huge pit of fire when all you need are a handful of souls, a monitor, and a needle and thread?

By the way - I received word of your displeasure that Hell is overflowing with souls, and I propose one of two things. One, we remove a few sins. I think vanity should go, because who really doesn't think they're better than everyone else? We could strike off greed, too. Or secondly we could construct a new plane of existence that consists of nothing but an endless void. We could then send souls who are not righteous but not sinful there to wander around aimlessly for eternity. We need a name for it, though. I like purgatory, myself. What do you think?

Please write back whenever you get the chance.

Sincerely yours,