By Andy Nalewski
In a unfathomable upset, Cthulhu has been found to have won 100% of the delegates in all 50 states after a massive recount last night.
FBI director Comey put the recount into motion himself, after he thought the popular vote result was suspicious.
“After we tried so hard to sabotage Clinton - and we were successful at that - it didn't make sense to me that she could win the popular vote. So we looked into it - it took us a while - and we found that, in fact, Cthulhu won by a landslide.”
The election was “rigged by the Clinton machine” Comey asserts. “They were able to wipe Cthulhu from the polls, but we damaged her enough where she still couldn't win.”
Recent polling done by The Point reveals that 99.99% of people in the country did not vote for someone on the ballot. All copies were write ins for Cthulhu, save for ten people who voted for the “official” candidates:
- the vote was split evenly about the middle, but due to his godlike status, Tom Brady’s vote counted as two.
The poll also revealed why citizens opted to vote for Cthulhu, the most notable being the satisfaction of having it all end. “It was enough to get my vote,” said Brandy Kaleski, a resident of Massachusetts. “After this election cycle, I think most Americans just want themselves and everything around them wiped out.”
Cthulhu is known for viewing the human race as meaningless insects, and would take pleasure in wiping us from the face of the planet.
Many supporters of the green party were extra-inclined to vote for Cthulhu, as that scenario would greatly reduce our carbon footprint.
Detour has contacted President-Elect Cthulhu’s headquarters, but they declined to comment on any subject.