Donald Trump Vows to Give Money to Wounded Stormtroopers after Watching New Star Wars Movie

By Tim Nazzaro

At a private screening of J.J. Abrams’ new movie “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”, Trump sat wide- eyed and buttery- handed as Kylo Ren crushed a rebel base in the opening scene of the movie.  Upon finishing the flick, Donald Trump vowed to give some of his campaign money to the wounded Stormtroopers in the movie to show his commitment to the military. Trump has come out in support of Kylo Ren saying he’s a “personal friend” and “a winner”, but criticized Ren on his treatment of his veteran Stormtroopers. He questioned why ALL Stormtroopers weren’t given chrome armor such as Captain Phasma (a woman). Trump was quoted saying that favoritism in the military “sends a certain message” and “creates a weaker culture”.

However, Trump has proposed a plan to the Dark Lord that he believes would be beneficial to all obedient followers of the First Order. The Trump Plan includes increasing funding for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), traumatic brain injury and suicide prevention services to address our troopers’ invisible wounds. He also calls for increased funding for job training and placement services (including incentives for companies hiring veterans), educational support and business loans as well as transforming the galactic empire to meet the needs of 21st century service members. At a FOX debate last Friday, Trump was quoted saying “Our Stormtrooper veterans have been treated like third-class citizens and it is my great honor to support them with this $1 million dollar contribution – they are truly incredible people. We are going to strengthen the military, take care of our Troopers and Make the First Order Great Again.”

When asked by Megyn Lynch why he would support a fictional, evil regime, the Republican nominee attempted to choke Lynch “using the Force”. Lynch was unharmed in the incident.