How to create the Perfect Human being

By Dan Hein

In this informative lecture, you will learn how to make your perfectly average human being perform at its peak level, which will assure only the finest quality outcome for you and your human. This will not only increase the productivity of your human being, but also your personal satisfaction and your happiness levels.

For this process, you will need:

  1. 1 standard issue human being
  2. 1 scalpel
  3. 1 knife
  4. 1 thread and needle
  5. 1 towel, preferably not white

Step 1: Take any average human being of normal build and fair intelligence.

Step 2: Remove eyes using scalpel. This will ensure that your human being does not see anything he may view as unsightly and will keep his memories focused on things that keep him happy.

Step 3: Remove ears with knife. This will keep your human being from interpreting sounds and species that could cause damage to him, such as insults and disagreeable opinions.

Step 4: Stitch lips together with thread and needle. This will prevent your human being from saying anything that would likely get him in trouble with other people.

Step 5. Remove nose with knife. This blocks unpleasant smells from entering your human being, which will keep him in a positive mood all day.

Step 6: Remove genitals with knife. This will eliminate your human being’s sex drive, which will keep him focused on more important tasks.

Step 7: Clean up all areas that your human being was operated on with a towel.

Step 8: Allow your human being to recuperate for a little while before sending him back into the world again. Give him him a few days to adjust to his new form, and be careful not to edge him into doing things he is now incapable of doing.

By following these simple steps, you can assure that your human being will operate at the best of his ability, which creates a better life for you and your human alike!