By Andy Nalewski
In a White House press release this morning, President Trump admitted to rigging the Super Bowl with the help of former Vice President Joe Biden.
Trump had the intention of rigging the game since The New England Patriots won the playoffs, but was having trouble figuring out how to do it.
“I couldn’t buy Super Bowl Ll, it would have been a PR disaster. I didn’t know how to do it. But then I called Joe Biden.”
Joe Biden has extensive experience with the inner workings of the country, and it seems that even when out of office he knows just the right way to get things done.
“He gave me some advice, - good advice, I tell you - and with his help I quietly issued - legally - an executive order to rig the game. He would know how - he was in that meme.”
Trump said that Biden had reservations about going through with the plan, but that he was able to convince him after their meeting.
“He was skeptical at first, so I had to bribe him with early access to my new line of products: Trump Ice Cream. It’s going to be very special, that I can tell you.”
Trump reasoned Roger Goodell needed to be taught a lesson for past interferences with The New England Patriots.
“Goodell’s a stupid guy, okay? He’s a disaster. He’s running the NFL into the ground. Brady’s not the guy who needs to go to court. Roger Goodell needs to go to jail. He’s guilty as hell - guilty of ruining the greatest sport in this great country.”
The admission of the scheme by the President gives interesting context to a phrase that quarterback Tom Brady said when accepting the trophy from Goodell:
“We’re a great team. We’ll always be great, and when I retire someday, another star is going to make us great again.”
Per our previous reporting, we know at least one of Brady’s two votes in the election could have gone to Trump, but it’s unlikely we’ll know before doomsday. (http://www.detourzine.com/column/creative/cthulhu-found-to-have-won-presidency-after-massive-recount