Battery Critically Low

Battery Critically Low

BY DAN HEIN

Your best friend has just died. You really should have seen it coming.

You were lying down on your bed, wrapped under the sheets, relaxing after a long day of work. You were watching a little video on YouTube, laughing your ass off, when your best friend gave you a message. It read:

Battery critically low. Please connect your charger immediately. 5%.

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If Edgar Allen Poe Was a Millennial

If Edgar Allen Poe Was a Millennial

BY ARIANA GARCIA-RIVERA

Edgar Allen Poe was born October 7, 1993. He’s an extremely eccentric fellow that can’t relate to many of his peers. Growing up, he would write poems about the pets he has loved and lost. How he missed his kitty, Poepurry. Eventually when he becomes interested in girls he tends to creep them out more than attract them and spends more time writing about how beautiful they would be in a coffin and lifeless.

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Dinner at Le Flavour

Dinner at Le Flavour

BY SHAUN LAFOUNTAIN

She stood in front of her bathroom mirror, graciously applying a thick coat of crimson red lipstick. She smelled of Chanel. Her dress was perfect: tight yet classy, chic yet provocative, and curvaceous in all the right places. A Louis Vuitton bag hung loosely over one shoulder; tonight was date night, her first since she was a teenager.

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