The Tale of Puppy Monkey Baby

By Kevin Fitzmaurice

 More than 100 million Americans caught a rare glimpse of the urban legend “Puppymonkeybaby”. Some were horrified, most confused on what exactly the creature is and where did it come from? A recent interview with Forbes Magazine answers this. Over 900 years ago in warm Cajamarca, Peru a young couple by the name of Sinja and Hageman lived on a potato farm. One day Hageman was working on the farm when he heard screaming coming from inside of his home. He rushed in to find his wife lying on the floor and a group of yellow-tailed wooly monkeys in rabbit fur coats, carrying coconut husk spears fleeing with Hageman’s new-born baby.

As he rushed to the stop the small, shorthaired thieves he tripped and hit his head and was knocked unconscious. He woke up hours later to a pug in a small brown robe, and walking cane. The pug looked at Hageman with curious eyes and whispered “you look worried sir”

Hageman disoriented replied, “What is going on? Who are you?”

The pug replied, “I am Shamus and I am here to help you.”

Hageman looked around the room for his wife but she was no where insight “Where is my wife and where is my son?”

“Your wife is in town looking for your son but she will not find him there, that is why I am here. I can help you get your son back.” Hageman still did not know where his son was, he began looking frantically around the house in baskets and under furniture.  

“You will not find him here but I can show you; he was taken. The Yellow Tails have him. They are going to use him for a ritual.” Shamus said..

The Yellow tail tribe is a group of rebellious yellow-tailed wooly monkeys whose leader, Dakaan, wants to be human. Recently Dakaan encountered a witch's hut in the woods of Peru where he made a deal if he gave her the first born child of a potato farmer she would make him human. Dakaan has been following Sinja for weeks and finally decided to make his move when Hageman was not around to protect his family. Hageman could not believe any of this as he was in complete shock. Hageman was hesitant to follow Shamus but had no choice at this point as his only priority was to get his son back.  They venture off into the forest of Peru near Ventanillas where they came up to a camp of yellow-tails.

Shamus whispers to Hageman “see the one in the middle with only one eye? That is Dakaan.”

As they looked around the camp they spotted the child. Without even thinking, Hageman rushed in to try and save his son. Dakaan grabbed the child and screeched loud enough for the village to hear. The group of monkeys jumped on top of Hageman as he screamed for Shamus who was nowhere to be found.  The witch grabbed the baby and the ritual began by speaking in tongue. She then hovered over a fire that roared with green flames. Shamus sprung from the tree and lunged at the witch, interrupting Dakaan’s dream of becoming a human. The witch stumbled and the baby fell out of her arms. Dakaan and Shamas both dove over the fire to save the child as Hageman could do nothing but watch while he was held down by a dozen monkeys. The flames went out and everyone vanished as the jungle turned black only lit by moonlight through the treetops. Hageman screamed and felt around the ash for his son and Shamus but still nothing, he laid in the grass and began to cry. He laid in his own sorrow and thoughts for hours until sunrise. The ashes left no reminence and the rest of the monkeys were gone. Hageman eventually traveled out of the woods to head back to his farm and tell his wife of this tragedy, forever wondering what happened to his son.

 900 years later in America a woman by the name of Rebecca Clayton was hiking in the woods of Virginia when she heard baby noises coming from the distance. She broke out into a sprint as she tried to follow the noises when they suddenly stopped. She yelled out “Hello?” and yet no response. She yelled out again and in the faint distance heard barking, confused and frightened she got back on her trail and headed back to her car. She stopped for a break of water and she noticed something in the trees behind her, she started picking up the pace and began walking back to her car. Still feeling like something was following her she stopped and froze, as she turned around she noticed a silhouette of a small person in the distance and heard this figure began to mumble something as it walked towards her. She backed up against a tree and reached for her pocket knife but as the image got closer she stopped and began to shiver, completely speechless. This being reached out his hand and said “puppymonkeybaby.” She fainted. She woke up minutes later to licks from a pug with a monkey's body, and a baby's legs screaming for her life. The being was innocent and helpless, scared. Rebecca took a picture with puppy,baby,monkey and posted it on her Twitter account. Weeks later Puppymonkeybaby was a star and featured in his first ever super bowl commercial for Mountain Dew, he now makes 11.8 billion dollars a year off of celebrity appearances and endorsements and lives in a multi-million dollar mansion in secluded Rhode Island.

People wonder what happened to Hageman’s son and this poor potato farmer in Peru.It is said that he went mad and wandered the jungles with his wife searching for their son. When asked of his origins in a recent interview with Forbes magazine, Puppymonkeybaby made no comment. but Dr. Jonathan Brockers a scientist in Wyoming who studies ancient witchcraft did make a comment about Puppymonkeybaby; saying that there was a ritual old peruvian ritual that would allow a any living organism to be reborn in a human form but no proof this ritual was ever performed. Dr  Brockers did add that if this ritual were to get interrupted it could be devastating and mix and match the DNA of the parties involved in the ritual. Some may never know how he made it to the United States but if there is one thing we know, whatever this magical creature is, it sure gave us the creeps that Sunday night.