BY TAVA HOAG
To My Once Prince Charming,
I’ve screwed up that’s all there is to it. I know that must make you mad because you feel like I have done so much more than that and maybe I have. I want to try and explain myself and writing has always come easier to me than talking.
I’m afraid, it’s the truth and I have always been afraid. I was afraid of how much you loved me, it’s the most powerful thing I have ever felt, and I wanted to run from it, to hide for as long as I could so that I wouldn’t ever feel it. Whenever you got too close I would push you away because it felt too big. It was too big for me to understand at the time and for me to contain. I couldn’t understand how to just let things be. I was nervous about not being able to keep you in love with me and terrified of opening up to the possibility of being with you forever.
My life has always been about having a plan and discussing the decisions I am going to make before I make them, this is what makes me feel comfortable and safe. I know it’s not a way to live. The point is back in July when you first wanted to stop seeing me I finally realized that I was loving you the wrong way. I admit I lied and didn’t try to change as quickly as I should have, but I am ready now. I’m not afraid anymore, at least I’m going to try not to be. I know that love is going to be scary sometimes, but it’s also going to be wonderful and crazy and exhilarating and I want to have all of that with you.
You see, I wanted to have the upper hand, not be as in love with you as you were with me. Like somehow that would make everything feel better believing that I could never get hurt. This worked for years because you have always proven that you love me more fiercely than I even knew how to love. I played games with you trying to be tough and trying to make you fight for me when all along you never had to. I was always right there. I never thought you would pick me all those years ago and I have never understood why you did and maybe that’s the beauty of it. You fell in love with me for reasons that you and only you will understand.
I’m sorry for the endless tests I put you through and the countless times that I pushed your buttons; part of me did it because I wanted to see how much you would handle before you quit. It was my way of seeing if you were in it for the long haul, before I really let myself feel something for you. I have always tried to make our love into a fairytale and you called me out on it, but I never wanted to believe it. I wanted to make it interesting because I was afraid that you would get bored with me if I just let things happen. I guess now, I really screwed up and it’s really over. Just please know that you will always have a place in my heart.