REVIEW: Month of Mush: Week 1: Introduction

BY CHRIS WITHERS

They say when you stare into the void the void stares back, well I have seen beyond the veil and what I can see has given me a truly terrifying tale to tell. This month I will be giving you all a month of ROMANTIC MOVIES. Yes this month we will dive deep into the realm of the fluffiest fluff that was ever forced upon unsuspecting boyfriends looking for second base. This week we’ll be sampling a little bit of everything that this genre has to offer. I warn all that enter that this is going to hurt me a hell of a lot more than it is going to hurt you.

 

What Women Want

Lessons I learned today: electricity=magic! Seriously how many stories can you think of where the writer substitutes “gets shocked by lightning” where in the original draft it had to be written as “magically gets.” In this case getting electrocuted while also handling tampons gives you the superpower to listen to women’s thoughts. Oh, and it also works on dogs… but not other animals. Seriously that “hilarious” scene where Mel “just f---ing smile” Gibson is walking through the park and hearing feminine thoughts… it should be something out of a Lovecraft story, where all he hears is just a buzz of different thoughts, beavers, squirrels, hell maybe even ants and bees!

So yeah Braveheart is an advertising executive and he… falls in oh my god this movie is so stupid! I hate this thing, I hate it beyond words, it’s so damn cutesy. And that scene where Mad Max is handling a bra with a pencil, it’s been established that he’s a freaking womanizer, there is no chance in the coldest sections of hell that he has never handled a woman’s bra before.

 

Just go with it

Okay so picture that you are a handsome man in your late 20’s, even though your actor is in his 40’s, who is a serial womanizer. But wait! You aren’t a bad guy, because you were burned badly by women as a child, because of your Jew nose, (seriously that is pretty much the only explanation we’re given.) And now you’re friends with a normal (for movies so still a solid 9) girl, who approves of your womanizing, (yet wants to love you). And one day you meet, THE ONE. Big bouncy breasts, acts airheaded but is intelligent (schoolteacher so you know she’s smart, and of young children and acts very patient with them) blonde, blue eyes, has sex on the first date… perfection. And then you go on vacation, for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and your friends, I mean actors, I mean characters, can party around with no consequences thanks to the generosity of Adam Sandler, I mean Adam Sandler’s character… oh god who cares.

This movie doesn’t have a damn plot, it has an excuse. An excuse for Adam Sandler to go on vacation to Hawaii, but somehow make money instead of losing it. The ridiculously banal story is made even more ridiculous by how it tries to treat Jennifer Aniston, as an average looking girl.

 

Hitch

Okay so picture that you are a handsome man in your late twenties, even though your actor is in his 40’s, who helps people be serial womanizers! But wait! You aren’t a bad guy, because you were burned badly by women at childhood because… uh… because… um… racism? Anyway the Fresh Prince of New York is helping Kevin James get a girlfriend, which he is having trouble with because he is fat. Then there is a “funny” scene where Kevin James tries to dance, but because he’s white he can’t match The Freshness, who tells him to “never do that again”, really slowly so its funny in the trailer. Then the brother of Carlton has a girlfriend, named Sara, not to be confused with Sara from Training Day even though she is the same actress and therefore you could imagine that they take place in the same universe. And there is a scene where Cypher Raige eats a thing and it makes his face swell up and he talks funny and does a scream and ha ha ha ha ha

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy