BY CHRIS WITHERS
The long and storied history of the Romantic Comedy has had many peaks and valleys over the years, but one of its most impressive rising times was the tale of one Margaret Mary Emily Hyra, AKA, Meg Ryan. The Crying Queen, the “Working girl looking for love,” as she is in pretty much every single movie she has ever been in ever. However I decided, or was strong-armed into depending on your definition, to review a bunch of Rom-Coms. Here we go, I guess…
Sleepless in Seattle
Okay so one of the most well-known Meg Ryan films is the first of her two collaborations with Tom Hanks, Sleepless in Seattle. The plot is about Meg Ryan, who is a girl, and is unlucky in love. Why her romances are positively NORMAL (dun, dun dun.) But then she hears about Tom Hanks being available she does what anyone would do and pursues a relationship with him.
You know what I think, movies that involve two adults getting into a relationship at the behest of the children, need to stop. Seriously is this not creepy, is it just me? Tom’s son, who is maybe like eight, is all like “Dad u need to gets the pussy ☺” and puts out a Radio Call. So he is smart enough to want his dad to get back on the bareback, but not enough to realize that sending out a radio call about his dad will only attract the most desperate women in the country… which it does.
You’ve got Mail
The other Meg/Tom love a dove story is You’ve Got Mail. A remake of The Shop around the Corner, it tells of a woman who owns a bookstore, which begins to get shut down as Tom Hanks opens, a chain bookstore across the street.
Tom Hanks, as the villain. Tom Hanks. One of the most beloved human beings in all of history. As a money-grubbing douche nozzle. I’m honestly not even sure how to take this. Part of me wants to convince myself that this was reverse stunt-casting, kind of like how in Lion’s King 2, when they hired Andy Dick just to have him die in the movie to give everyone an outlet. Except that the only way that I could convince myself that was what they were going for is if there was a scene where the characters repeatedly shoot the writer in the head until there is nothing left but red goop and then they kiss and ride off into the sunset on a motorcycle, which I am now convinced through alcohol is actually how the movie ended.
City of Angels
A story of a woman who falls in love with a beautiful angel… played by Nicholas Cage.
I am always impressed by Nicholas Cage. No matter how bad the movie that he’s in is, whether it be loud and obnoxious like Ghost Rider 2, or perpetually stupid in the style of The Wicker Man, or even the sloppiest movie edited by a monkey that I’ve ever seen in my life… Deadfall. And yes even in what would otherwise be a generic and painfully stupid Meg Ryan movie about why being human is great because sex, and boobies, and pears, and orgasms, and the ocean, is made infinitely more enjoyable by the presence of The Cage. Honestly I can barely remember anything that happened in this movie because all I can see now, possibly for the rest of time, is Nicholas Cage’s O-face.
When Harry met Sally
The supposed “chick flick that guys can enjoy” it’s a simple story of a man and a woman trying to be friends without letting sex get in the way.
You know what I hate, I want to like this movie. It’s decently written, quite well-acted, even if the film is absurdly sexist against both genders. It gives the same portrayal to women that most sitcoms do, as the conniving puppet master, just without the indestructibility that is lent to them in sitcoms. The women in this story are human but still portrayed as being overly manipulative. And men are of course portrayed as sex-hungry, and unemotional, but are at least balanced by being intelligent. But I have to hate this movie… because it introduces the orgasm scene in a restaurant, used by a million terrible rom-coms since.
Meg Ryan tapes her husband to a toilet to get him to admit that he still loves her. Their house is then robbed and hijinxs ensue.
So this movie came out in 2009, because yes Meg Ryan is indeed still working, and attempts to be a comedy thriller. One might raise a certain stench of potential sexism in this set-up, as a woman finds out that her husband, who has been trying to divorce her, is in love with someone else. Thusly she reacts with violence, because women amiright, and then they get robbed. But at the end the twist is that its implied that she set-up the whole robbery in order to force her husband back with her, I just find it hilarious that Meg Ryan is considered to be so beloved by women for her high-powered characters that are supposed to represent woman as power, and yet pretty much every single character that she has played is either intensely manipulative or a complete dumbass.
Meg Ryan almost loses her husband to a French woman, and then he loses her to a French guy, because the French are all about stealing our women, and cheese and bread, and goats, and woi woi, mimes etc.
Okay I am about to admit something that will force me to hand in my guy card… I actually really like French Kiss. Hear me out here… unless that thought of me liking a Meg Ryan movie immediately sickens you. I like ridiculous things, I just kind of do, and in terms of female targeted Rom Coms you ain’t going to find many more ridiculous than this one. Meg gets romanced by a Con Artist who uses her for smuggling things while also romancing her, and it is the biggest, cheesiest, and also kind of most romantic stupid thing you have ever seen, and probably will see ever.
Least Painful: French Kiss: Once again I actually really dig this one, it is incredibly silly and stupid, but it’s charming and relatively cute.
Most Painful: You’ve Got Mail: Tom Hanks is like John Cena, he cannot be a bad guy anymore. Perhaps in earlier days in his career, but 90’s onwards he is the goodest goody guy in all of history. He is also not very good at playing bad guys apparently.
Least Intellectually Offensive: When Harry met Sally: Even if I disagree with its stereotypical portrayal of both genders the characters are well-rounded enough where its forgivable to a certain extent.
Most Intellectually Offensive: City of Angels: An angel gives up eternity and lives as a human to get laid. And in the case of one other guy to eat Ice Cream.
Creepiest: Sleepless in Seattle: Again movies where two people get together because of a child are creepy. They need to stop, forever.