ADVICE: I just recently got an iphone and have become addicted...

I just recently got an iPhone and have become addicted.  I always have to have it in my hand or at least near me at all times.  I started sleeping snuggled with it.  How to I break my addiction? Help!

Dear Friend,

Cut off your thumbs.  It’s so much harder to use a phone if you don’t have thumbs.  If that doesn’t work gouge out your eyes with a spoon (see Slumdog Millionaire for proper procedure) If all else fails just, like, turn it off at night or something I don’t know. 


Your Friend Sara