Clouded Mind

By Conor McNabb

Close your eyes and count to ten. Now, open them and look around. What do you see? I remember seeing nothing. Nothing important, nothing meaningful. For hours on end, I remember sitting on my bed, slowly drowning in my thoughts. Nothing mattered anymore. He was dying. It was hard to watch, hard for me to grasp. I could not image the pain that he was going through. Weeks passed and there were days when I thought he was going to get better. I was wrong. He eventually went completely blind, and that was when I knew his days were numbered.

Imagine waking up to a new day, but each day, your vision gets a little more fuzzy. The people you love and the little things you love in life slowly fade into darkness. Just imagine that for a moment. Imagine simple tasks becoming a challenge. You are now surrounded by darkness. You can hear the voices around you, but you can no longer see the colors and the world around you.

I remember looking into his eyes. He used to have the nicest brown eyes. I could stare in them for hours and see my reflection, but now they were cloudy white. I was not just losing a twelve-year- old dog, I was losing my best friend.

It was tough because I grew up with him. He was always there, waiting for me when I got off the school bus in elementary school. He always had so much energy and he always gave so much love. I would do anything to relive those moments we shared. Anything.

I wish he did not have to go through his last month alone. It was such a long month. Watching him lose his strength was the hardest thing for my family. It just reminded us that his time was almost up, and I hated everything about that.

The last two weeks I never really left the house. I just could not do it., I refused to leave him. It broke my heart to see him walk into things and stumble around the house that he once knew so well. My grades started to slip and I ignored my friends for days. My mind was more cloudy than his eyes, I was dying with him. I was nothing without him. When he lost his energy and his vision, I lost mine. I did not want to do anything. I just wanted him to get better, but it was already too late. It was only getting worse.  

Driven to despair, I broke down beside him. I knew he could no longer see me. I laid beside him, knowing he would soon leave this earth. His time was up. My parents said he was ready and I agreed with them. I tried to prepare myself for that moment, but in reality, nothing really could prepare me for it. It was the hardest goodbye; I did not want to let go of him, but I knew I had to. The first week without him was the worst. I did not know what to do with myself. I left the house everyday and would just drive for hours, driving with no destination. Memories we shared filled my mind during those long rides, and every time I pulled into my driveway I just imagined that he would just appear. I imagined him hopping up on the couch and looking out the window, waiting out for me like always. My clouded mind traps me with false hopes that I will wake up next to him, but every time I open my eyes, all I can see is darkness. A sense of emptiness, something that he saw during his final days.

RIP Wags