ADVICE: How Do I Answer Questions I Find Pointless to Answer?

BY JARED ZANGHI

I have no idea what I am doing after college. I obviously want to find a job, but that could take forever given this job market! I always stutter and sound like an idiot when people ask me what I’m doing with my life. How do I answer questions I find pointless to answer?

Usually, when adults ask what I plan to do after college they mean it in the most harmless way possible. It is a good question, and usually just serves as a conversation starter. However, sometimes they’re asking so they can puff out their chests and say “oh, how interesting!” to your face, only to laugh about you to their friends when you’re not in the room. Or at least that’s what you imagine because you’re embarrassed to say that you have no idea.

If this is you, I’m sure this is your worst fear:
“Did you hear Josh wants to get a job in a newspaper? Ha! Doesn’t he know they are a dying form of media? What a dumbass!”

That hurts. Nobody wants that reaction. Nobody usually gets this reaction. If you do though, here are some ways to deal with this potentially condescending situation:

1. Lie to their face

“But isn’t lying immoral and wrong?”

Nah. Nope. Definitely not. Besides, would you rather be immoral or be talked down to?

So let’s play the scenario out.

“So, Josh, you young ignorant child. What are you doing after college?”

“I’m thinking of getting into the stock market. I’ve already begun a stock portfolio and I’ve studied the numbers, and I gotta tell ya, this market will be ripe for picking.”

Boom. Got ‘em. They’ll be bored senseless by that one sentence, but at the same time you sounded like you were doing something important. It’s a win-win.

2. Ask for their advice

People who ask you what you’re doing after college love to give life advice. It doesn’t matter if they’re making $40,000 a year or a million, they get off on imparting wisdom on the youth of today. That way if you succeed, it’s because of them, and if you don’t, they did all they could. It just didn’t work, you sack of shit. This method is risky because you will have to listen. You will have to nod your head and say “yeah” at appropriate intervals. The up-side, it gets everything over and done with and you won’t have to deal with it after. Plus, they will think you’re a respectful young-adult for taking the time to listen to their ramblings.

Example:

“So, Josh, need any future advice?”

“Yeah.”

“Apply to as many places as you can. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you end up working for some suck-bag company, just get your foot in the door.”

“Yeah.”

“Like what I did, I found a job right out of college. I hated it. But I have strong character so I persevered and now I have a job with decent healthcare. You could do that too if you apply yourself.”

“Yeah.”

“What sucks is, your generation had to vote in Obama. The guy is ruining this country, I swear to God. I would be making twice as much if it wasn’t for that guy. You know his middle name is Hussien? Christ.”

“Yeah. Obama.”

End scene. End conversation. Life advice delivered and duly ignored. Win-fucking-win.

3. Tell the truth.

None of us know what we’re doing out of college. None of us know what we’re going to be doing for lunch tomorrow. You might as well level with the guy.

“So, Josh, what are you doing after college?”

“You know I really don’t know. Probably throw out some applications. Probably won’t get hired anywhere. That will really suck too because I smoke a ton of weed and will therefore eventually run out of weed. I’ll probably be at home for a few months because my mom will wash my sweatpants every day and there’s no rent so that’s cool. But yeah, I’m not worried. Life has a funny way of working out. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

*Adults head explodes*

Odds are, you’ll never need this advice. Adults aren’t usually out to make you look like a jackass. However, if one tries to make you feel stupid because you’re a college student that they feel doesn’t focus on your future as much as you should, I got you covered.

You can thank me later.