“Fuck off” he said. I was in the parking lot, outside of the hospital, just feeling all this time, I knew I wouldn’t keep him long. But why did it have to end like this? Was it really over though? He came to her funeral, said his well wishes. We sat in the trunk of my car drinking beer, trying not to get caught. I hated him really. He was sweet, but I knew this game. It wasn’t going to last long at all. You heard my story of when we met, now I’m telling you how it ended. A family member died, I was a mess, and he… Well, gave up. He stopped caring, actually started being god awfully mean, so much so that my grades suffered. It was fighting matches, passive aggression in the work place. It was endless. And over those months, I kept going back. Why? I was lonely. No one wants to be alone, not even the most introverted of people want to spend their days alone.
So I left him. Went through a whirlwind of confusion and dating others, trying to numb the feeling his words left me with. I wish we never met, I hate you, Why won’t you call? It was endless mind games he played with me. It wasn’t healthy. You might be wondering why I’m writing anonymously again to the first column I made. I’m doing it because nothing in life, I’ve learned since having left him, is plain and simple. They may start off that way, but if you really want something or someone, and they want you, it’s never plain and simple. It’s easier to say that my relationship with the guy I met at the cafe was simple because it ended in a simple manner; I said I’m done being manipulated. Done. I left my job, we both worked together, and found myself becoming a wanderer of my own emotional stability.
Drinking seemed to be a quick fix. Smoking too. But it was temporary, and still physically debilitated me. Groggy mornings waking up on couches at friend’s houses, my parents worried sick about me. If they knew this was me writing, I’d say I’m sorry. Sorry for pushing them away and not wanting to share my feelings. I should’ve been stronger.
Again, you’re still wondering where I might be going with this. Listen, people aren’t simple beings. They’re difficult to harness, to even try to comprehend in why they act as they do. Some worry too much, some not at all. I’m writing to say it doesn’t matter what you do in a relationship; shit is just going to happen. It’s taken me all my life to learn that. To have the ability to let go of control and to just be myself. It’s how I coped with the loss of my family member that year and how I started having healthier relationships. It took a few tries…
First, I had to block him on everything. That was easy. But how do you block memories? You fucking burn it all! Find every last shred of clothing they left behind, photos, letters, all of it! It’s cliche, but just watch the flames, really watch them and allow yourself to let those flames burn the memories up from your mind. Take a breath in, and let it out. That, that breath, with a tinge of smoke and maybe a cough, was the shit you never want to remember. When you’re hurt by someone, it’s the healthiest thing to honestly forget. People say it’s hard to forget, that it’s hard to let go of good memories. But list in your mind as you watch that material crap burn, how many good memories were there in comparison to the bad? I left a bad, bad man. He was nothing but an entity of manipulation, hate, and self loathing. You can’t even try to love that type of person. They don’t hate you; they hate themselves. Don’t even try to save them, they don’t want to be. They’ll take pieces of you, one piece at a time, and build themselves off of you. But what does that leave you with? Nothing if you stay. So as I said before, I left. Burned it all, and took a lot of time to wander around and find myself, or just a little bit of happiness. I can’t tell you I found it, or about dating again, but I can tell you… Once you’ve had enough of being emotionally abused by someone, you’ll never have to go through it again. It’s like getting the flu; you get it once for the season, and as others suffer from the symptoms, you are immune. You’re better for it really. Just make sure you take your vitamins, drink your water, and sleep. You’ll be ok. That’s the part of life that’s simple.