Jeb Bush Drops Out of Presidential Race to Pursue Rap Career

By Tim Nazzaro

Sun. Feb 21: Facing a crowded ballroom in Columbia, South Carolina, an emotional Jeb Bush announced the suspension of his presidential campaign. After major losses in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, the writing was on the wall for the Bush campaign. The former Florida governor kicked off his candidacy last June as the front-runner in a crowded field of republican hopefuls. All looked well on the home-front until Donald Trump announced his bid for presidency.

Trump often ridiculed and bullied Bush in many of the Republican debates; undermining Bush’s authority and making him appear weak and uncomfortable in the public eye. Bush didn’t know how to respond, and with little public support, he finally called it quits.

As the ballroom began to blitz around Bush, he stood atop the podium, unwavering (for the first time). The crowd rained “boos” upon him and made choking gestures with their hands and it seemed like there would be no way to quiet the mob. Bush then asked but one simple question: “if you had one shot, or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, would you capture it, or let it slip?” A hush fell over the crowd as Bush explained further.

“Throughout my campaign, I have promised to you all that I would stand up to the bully that is Donald Trump. My team and I felt that in order to battle this bully more effectively, rather than beat him for the Republican nomination, we will drop a diss track.” It was at this point that the former Florida governor put his hood on and began throwing copies of his latest mixtape into the crowd, now a in a frenzy of excitement and joy. As Danny Diaz, Bush’s campaign manager, pleaded him to stop the crowd, Bush grabbed the mic and said “it’s not ‘Jeb Bush’ anymore, it’s J.B Rabbit”. At this statement J.B Rabbit was hoisted off stage and crowd surfed to the nearest exit. He has yet to speak to media personnel about the incident, but inside sources believe that Bush’s next mixtape will be a collaboration with Meek Mills titled “Winning Isn’t Everything”.