Cam Newton Breaks Arm While ‘Dabbing on Haters’ after Superbowl Loss

By Tim Nazzaro

It’s as if millions of Carolina voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. At Cam Newton’s press conference, moments after his Superbowl loss, disaster struck. Cam Newton stood up at the podium with a snarky demeanor and answered many questions about his pitiful performance during the game. After a particularly demeaning question regarding the 4th quarter fumble he didn’t dive on, Cam had enough. He puffed out his pectorals and began to “dab on the haters”. A “dab” is a salute of sorts that acknowledges critics, haters, racists, and scallywags alike, and undermines them. The “dab” has become a popular cultural fad as a result of Newton’s touchdown dance. It is a cultural calling card of the black community in particular.

However, what started out as an act of defiance quickly turned into a disaster. On this day, the overwhelming hate from the media and disgruntled fans seemed to be too much for “Superman.”. Hate was streaming out of reporters’ mouths, so Cam had to dab on them. Then there was hate streaming in from the disgruntled fans at the stadium; Newton also had to dab on their hatred as well. Suddenly, when Cam could hear the hate spewing from an elated Chris Harris Jr. at the podium next to him, his dab failed him. Newton head-butted his folded arm too aggressively and suddenly a crack was heard.

A hush fell over the crowd of reporters as Cam screamed in pain on the podium. Josh Norman was seen fainting at the sight of the incident and Thomas Davis immediately ran to get help. Luckily, Peyton Manning’s wife was there to inject Newton with her HGH medicine that she uses on herself as a home remedy. Her muscular physique picked up the injured Cam and carried him to the locker room without speaking to reporters. Panthers coach Ron Rivera has yet to comment on the incident.