Cthulhu renounces nomination: Trump “will bring about sufficient suffering"

By Andy Nalewski

Cthulhu, herald of the extinction of the human race and true President-Elect of the United States (http://www.detourzine.com/column/creative/cthulhu-found-to-have-won-presidency-after-massive-recount), has renounced his nomination and intentions of worldwide devastation today, while granting an exclusive interview to Detour about his campaign and the current fate of the planet.

“My sole purpose in this meaningless reality is to exterminate all living things,” said Cthulhu, “but after seeing my falsely-elected opponent operate these first few weeks, I’m now content with simply observing the imminent destruction of this pathetic planet. I know your fates are in the worst possible hands.”

Cthulhu didn’t make his decision lightly, saying that he made careful consideration by watching virtually all media outlets on Trump.

“He has the negative attention of virtually every member of your species. It is an enjoyable spectacle.”

He also lauded Trumps first actions as leader of the Free World.

“Lambasting the words of those who oppose him, destroying the sacred ground of peaceful people for the sake of currency, and a thinly-veiled detestment for those he deems lesser? One could not come closer to perfection.”

The deity was especially impressed by Trumps actions outlined in the recent White House press release (http://www.detourzine.com/column/creative/president-trump-admits-to-rigging-super-bowl-with-the-help-of-joe-biden).

“If he were not a insignificant life-form, I would admire him.”

When asked why he would let Trump destroy the Earth rather than do it himself, Cthulhu dismissed the question as flippant.

“Mortals need not concern themselves with the motives of a god,” he said. “Know only that this man will bring about sufficient suffering. It will simply come about now by proxy.”

Cthulhu would not comment on his now defunct plans for planetary genocide, but said that he would find a new world to torment after Trump has “erased the Earth from history.”