The People I’ve Met in College, Ranked


(*Names have been tweaked to protect the author)


She will be loud and annoying at all times of the night. When you ask her to please quiet down, she will scream at you that she works sixty hours a week and that this somehow justifies her rudeness. All bark, no bite. But the bark is incredibly ingratiating. Loves “Hello” by Adele and will play it on repeat for weeks. “Ugly on the inside,” personified. 0/10


Never fails to get incredibly shitfaced Thursday through Sunday. Cheats on every test and never gets caught. Has a 4.0 in Partying 101. That girl you see making out with two guys and a girl in the corner? That’s her. Will literally jump a fence if you tell her it’s time to go home, and no one will ever know where she went, especially her. 1/10


Also the worst kind of person, but in a subtle way that somehow makes it worse. Thrives on drama, but only indirectly. She will tell you you can come to her for anything, but what she means is only if it doesn’t involve much movement. Either napping or freaking out about the work she neglected to do because she was napping. Will turn every conversation to be about her and all the work she needs to do. 2/10


That hot dude on that one team that has a history of doing bad things to girls. Has a harem of girls that pretend the others don’t exist (yes, Chelsey is one of them). That guy who chugs Rubinoff from the bottle and blacks out for the entirety of the night. Usually is sporting a black eye or giving them to his teammates. Has a nice beard, though. 4/10


Will only be friends with the person who can get her into the most parties.  Borrows your clothes and loses them, or is somehow never around when you want them back. Never, ever apologizes for anything. Always has beer and is willing to share. Is really into anal and loves to talk about it. Sits on any public toilet with no qualms. 5/10


Will snort cocaine in front of you, apologize at your freaked out face, and then snort more. Shares his other, less crazy drugs. Will unapologetically stare at your butt, but is always willing to listen to your problems. Plays Smash 64 and picks Peach everytime. One of the most genuine people on campus. Never forgets to text you about a party. Loves Grease the Musical and regularly plays the soundtrack while drunk. 7/10


A 21st century hippie. Loves to smoke weed while talking about astral projection and how to make the universe give you what you want. Is always happy. Loved by all boys and consequently hated by most girls. Divides everything between bad vibes and good vibes. The only girl I’ve ever met that talked herself out of a ticket with a blunt in her hand. 9/10